A New Weekly Column by Ronin

In the 1950’s, the Best Parent Ever was introduced to a whole new way they could love their child better than you. Scientist John Bowlby introduced a study, based on maternal deprivation and animal research, and unleashed on the world the “Attachment Theory”. This was the root of a new parenting movement called Attachment Parenting.

The Best Parent Ever knows what is truly at the very heart of this theory: crying. Crying is easily the most horrifying experience of the Best Baby Ever’s young life.

In order to keep this awful affliction from rearing it’s ugly head, the Best Parent Ever must follow the 7 Bs of Attachment Parenting:

1) Bond with your baby by never focusing on anything else but the miracle of motherhood.

2) Breastfeed your baby or it will grow up to have the IQ of Paris Hilton.

3) Babywearing is not optional. Never, repeat, NEVER put your baby down. The minute you do it will think you’ve abandoned it, thereby breaking the bond you worked so hard on; it is that fragile.

4) Bedtime is no time to stop your constant caretaking. Make sure that baby knows you live to serve. Yes, even at 3:45 a.m. Yes, even for the 17th time that night.

5) Belief in the horror that is your baby’s cry. Every squeak is a message from your infant overlord. You must know what it means and satisfy whatever area it deems deficient immediately or suffer the consequences.

6) Beware of other parenting methods. Other parents will try to tell you that different things worked for their children. They are obviously formula fed idiots. Stay strong.

7) Balance your baby’s every need with your needs and also: your husband’s needs, your other childrens’ needs, your neighbor’s needs, your barber’s needs, your aunt’s brother-in-law’s roommate’s cousin’s science professor… No sweat, you’re the Best Parent Ever!

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!

A New Weekly Column by Ronin

Baby’s firsts are precious to parents. Their first smile, first tooth, first step, first word. It’s enough to melt any parent’s heart. Waiting for these milestones can be torture because you never know when they’re going to happen. Unless you’re the Best Parent Ever. BPE can tell you, just by a glance at one of many charts, exactly when your baby’s smile changes from meaning “I farted.” to “I love you.” Your baby isn’t grasping objects at >>>> months? Tsk, tsk, tsk.

According to Bestie’s chart, you’re not doing enough to make sure your baby is making the deadline. How are they ever going to move on to something more advanced like crawling or Cantonese?

The Itinerary of Advancement is something that BPE spends a great deal of time honing and monitoring. Measuring their baby’s progress against an assortment of expert graphs occupies their entire existence through Kindergarten. Not walking by 1 year? Physical therapy. Not talking by 1 year? Speech therapy.

Only parents that love their kids the most will subject them to rigorous and regular sessions with professional strangers who will do exactly what nature intended to do anyway if given enough time. BPE can’t wait though. They’ve got a schedule — and a reputation — to maintain.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!