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submitted by GeekMom

I have two great boys, adopted as infants from Guatemala. (Don’t tell anyone – my uterus is broke, and I should be horribly traumatized by this.) (Except that I’m ok with it.)

Before I knew better, I spent a lot of time seeking out other adoptive moms, and going on adoption related websites and such. Based on the extensive research, I now know how to be a perfect adoptive parent. Let me draw you a picture of the Best Adoptive Parent Ever:

They have read every single book about all the possible things their child could be feeling about adoption every second of their lives so they can have THE RIGHT ANSWER.

It is not enough to have a scrapbook for your child. You have to have a Lifebook, where you meticulously document every second of the child’s life from the time they come to you. Because all biological children obviously have perfectly filled out baby books, and your kids will miss out.

You are required to freak out if your child’s teacher discusses family trees. No, they can’t just use your family – they will be traumatized because your family is not their birthfamily. Except of course, adoption is forever, so they are part of your family. But not on certain school assignments, apparently.

If your child is not discussing adoption every hour of every day, you are either repressing them, or they are so traumatized that they can’t even discuss it. Adoptive children are not allowed to be well adjusted and ok with the adoption thing.

If you have not put your adoptive child in an immersive school to learn their birth culture and/or gotten a non-english speaking nanny from that culture, they will grow up to hate you.

If you do not have an open adoption, you are a horrible person, abusive to the birth mother. Unless you have an open adoption, in which case you are confusing your child and preventing them from bonding. Take your pick.

You are a horribly selfish terrible person for adopting in the first place, because it is a terrible thing to rip a child from the arms of their birthmother. Even if the birthmother sought you out for the adoption - it is just wrong to adopt. Period. (Yes, you get this on adoption boards.) (No, I don’t get it either.)

Your child must belong to a support group, as soon as their eyes open, or they will be traumatized for life.

If you didn’t induce lactation for your adopted infant, you are obviously an evil lazy mommy, and how did you ever get past the social workers.

Adoption is VERY SERIOUS. If you joke even once about selling your kids on Ebay they will be SCARRED FOR LIFE! You are not allowed to have a sense of humor about adoption.

Any problem an adopted kid has is automatically a consequence of their having been adopted. Are they being a pain in the ass about getting their shoes on? It’s because they’re adopted. Bleeding head wound? That’s from being ripped out of the arms of their birthmom.

Birthmoms are perfect saints, who are unfairly maligned, and deserve to be endlessly pitied. Unless they are irresponsible child abusers, who should be sterilized. Take your pick. If you want to become the perfect mom, in some circles, place your child for adoption. You will instantly be canonized.

If you adopt a child of another race, you should be taken out back and summarily shot. Or canonized, because everyone knows only white babies get adopted in this country, while babies of color languish for years in foster care. Take your pick.

No matter what you do, you will never be able to make up for the horrible trauma of having been adopted. Give up now.

I think my older son has a handle on it. At a recent family wedding, he was having a great time dancing with one of his cousins. They made quite the couple. At one point my son called out “I think I want to marry her. It’s ok - I’m adopted!” That’s my boy…

Submitted by Abby, just Abby

So, you think that you’re going above and beyond by putting headphones onto your pregnant belly and playing Beethoven’s Ode to Joy? Forget about it. The BPE knows that is sadly ineffectual. Playing music to your fetus is not going to get them that pre-school scholly. Not even close. Maybe in 1992.

This is why the BPE uses a series of index cards, sorted by age (fetal age) appropriateness. Said index cards are held by daddy (or life partner) in front of mommy’s tummy (after the daily sonogram locates the best position), and backlit from behind so baby can see through the uterus. Cards are conveniently sorted by trimester, lest we accost fetus with too much information at such a tender age.

First Trimester: Simple things. A blue triangle. A cow, perhaps. Of course, this is the time to introduce the alphabet and numbers 1 - 100. Since baby’s eyes have yet to develop eyelids, this is actually a crucial time to impart information. Smart BPE’s hold these cards up to their uterus during ovulation. Waiting for a positive pregnancy test is just wasting valuable time.

Second Trimester: Remember those ABCs? Now we’re going to learn how they come together to form words! If your fetus can’t speak at least three languages by the time you start your third trimester? Well, it really doesn’t matter how much money you spent on the designer crib, then, does it?

Third Trimester: Your baby should ideally be taking notes at this point. BPEs catch a lot of flack for wanting to keep their placenta, and they nearly always use the guise that they want to bury it in the ground and let it fertilize plant matter in memoriam of the birth of their baby. This is a ruse. If you take a placenta and dry it in the sun for several days, you can put a paper on it and make a rubbing of your baby’s first note to you. This will tell you whether your efforts to educate baby in utero have met with success. Ideally, you will get a message beginning something like: RE: Harvard admission letter – need names of current deans. Ask mom for complete works of Shakespeare on tape for nursery, as have not yet memorized all the tragedies (comedies were a bit pedantic, but easily committed to memory). Marxism seems to have been dismissed unfairly before it was given a chance to flourish.

If your placenta dries, and looks like it has only chicken scratches? Well, that’s what state colleges are for. Oh, and you can always use it to fertilize a tree with which to mark your failure.

Because nothing makes a BPE prouder than the first time his infant says, “Lupe! Those bushes aren’t going to trim themselves!” and then says it again, in Latin. If your baby can’t spit out a simple sentence like this within 4 days of birth (5 days if you had a c-section), CALL YOUR PEDIATRICIAN. They may have therapies or medications you can try.

Submitted by nomorewirehangers

Congratulations! You’ve moved your relationship with your significant other up to the next level of commitment and are ready to embark on a lifetime of togetherness. But, wait. Before you start humming “Just the Two of Us” too quickly (or too loudly because that’s annoying) you’ve forgotten something. Or should I say… someone.

That’s right! The love of your life had a life prior to you. And in that life they had them some children. Fret not. Only every decision you make for the rest of your life will be centered on how it will affect them. It’s not a big deal.

No, seriously. Do. Not. Panic.

Besides, hopefully you’ve at least met them at this point. The key is… what now? Whether or not you have custody you can bet your best parental shorts you are in for a wild ride. And Mr. Toad doesn’t have crap on these children.

Here are a few simple tips and reminders to make this transition easier on you. Because face it, the rest of it is all about the kids.

Tip #1: Getting to Know You. Getting to Know All About You

Guess what? Even if you’ve met the kids before, you still don’t know each other that well. Despite your best efforts to ask “all the right questions,” this could take…. years.

No matter what the age of the child, you’ve still got a lot of catching up to do. You’re probably saying, “Hey, you can’t force communication, and besides, awkward silence hasn’t ever actually killed anyone, has it?” Sorry… doesn’t work that way. And no matter what your insecurities are, you have to think of that little person over there who seems entranced by their Nintendo DS…yeah that one. They are a bug. How? They are more scared of you than you are of them… and more likely than not, you are bigger than them.

Besides, sorry for your bad luck, but you are the grown up here. The burden of effort lies within you. They aren’t going to try if you don’t! So get off your step-parent online help forums, suck it up, and get prepared to bond at the newest Hannah Montana movie.

Tip #2: Can’t Buy Me Love

You know how you always bring your boss his favorite Starbucks beverage? And even gave him that golfing package to Augusta National that you won? Yet still that asshole doesn’t know your correct name and you still haven’t received that promotion after five years? Know why? He thinks you’re a chump. No one likes a kiss ass. There is such a thing as overkill. And, no, children are not any different.

So you brought your new step-daughter to see that above mentioned Hannah Montana nightmare right? GOOD FOR YOU!!! But you didn’t stop there did you? No… you also bought her a new Dooney & Burke bag, another Webkinz, ate at McNasty’s for lunch, Chuck E. Cheese for dinner, and let her have a root beer float for breakfast “just because…”

She loved you and wanted to be BFFs, right? Until bedtime that is. Now you’re an asshole and completely confused as to why she hates your guts so much just for reminding her it was a school night and time to go to bed? Chump. You have just made the numero uno step-parenting mistake. It’s known as, “I want them to like me therefore I must be cool…”

No worries. It’s common. It happens to all of us. It’s a great learning experience too. You can only repair this by one means. Don’t ever do it again!

Tip #3: “Respect My Authority!”

You’re assuming, depending on the age of the child of course, that you automatically get the same respect that they give your spouse or in laws simply because you’re an adult and they owe you that…right?

They owe you nothing, and before you are introduced fully into their lives you and the spouse need to work out a few basic things!

For example: What are the “house rules?” What roll, if any, will you play in disciplining the children? How will the children’s presence affect your personal schedule, what is expected of you? What are you allowed to expect from your step kids?

You cannot do this part along. Your spouse holds the power in how you will be viewed by the children, so it’s best to discuss it early and often, otherwise you will be the wicked step bitch of the west…forever!

Besides, making sure that you and your spouse are on the same page in this aspect is crucial when you come to understand the next tip…

Tip #4: Not Da’ Mama…

And guess what? You’re not.

Custodial or not, you are not and never will be that child’s biological parent. They might like you (God Willing)…They might respect you (Praise Buddha) hell, they might even love you (Thank the heavens) …but they will never love, like, or respect you quite the same (and maybe…eek…as much) as the egg donor.

Ouch.

The truth hurts, and unfortunately acceptance is the only way to deal with this one.

But you have to think about it practically. It’s only fair.

You can love all of your children “equally…” steps included…but guess what, if you and your spouse ever do choose to add to your family, your bio-kiddos are going to hold a much different, much warmer place in your hear than your steps.

This is natural and okay on all sides. Just remember to Love Em’ Good regardless (See the ten steps to Good Enough Parenting) because even if you love them and they love you differently… as long as you’ve built a relationship based on some kind of love and respect, it will all be okay.

Tip #5: The Ex Hates Your Guts

And that’s okay! Let your spouse handle this… trust me. You have to be the mature one here. There is a lot of heart ache and bitterness around that honestly has little or nothing to do with you, but you will bear the brunt of it…usually in the form of “My mom says I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not my real mom…”

It’s hard. Take the high road. You, the spouse, and the ex have to lay down ground rules together at some point. It’s easier said than done, but the most important thing is that you and your spouse are on the same page on how to handle the ex.

And, remember this. Don’t ever bash the ex in front of the kids. Save it for the BPE discussion boards “bitching” room… that is what we are here for.

Honestly. You aren’t alone. And if you remember nothing else from this guide remember this: Take off your gloves, pull down your walls, remove your personal demons and insecurities from the equation and remember this one important thing: Your spouse loves those children more than anything. So that person would never knowingly expose to them to harm, pain, or difficulty.

You will be fine!

The kids will, eventually, accept you. Things will, eventually, get easier. You just need to remember that no parent is perfect. (Even the bio-ones…if you need proof please visit our forum…) And as long as you do everything that is truly best, with the children in mind, you and yours will live Happily Ever After.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!

submitted by og217

Why is it that newly pregnant Best Parents Ever (or those aspiring to the title) feel the need to hyperventialte and act like twittering idiots when announcing their “Big News?”

I mean, the sly glances, the poorly acted out prodding - “You tell them!” “No, you!” “No you!” No, please, shut up the both of you! No one really cares, and everyone guessed ages ago.

You can immediately tell that their news isn’t anything exciting or important by the half-deranged grins they are both sporting, as if no one ever got knocked up before. The expectation is that of course you can never guess what on earth is so exciting. Well, that part is actually true. One of you is going to get fat and frigid while the other is going to get resentful and broke. The height of excitement, yawn. Riiight.

Then they want to tell you their list of Idiot Baby Names - Reese Beyonce if it’s a girl, Keanu Kryptonite if it’s a boy (or the other way around). You’re supposed to coo at this and approve without raising an eyebrow or pointing out that those names sound like names of, well, dickheads.

The (future) Best Parents Ever then relate all the crap they plan to buy, read and enroll their kid in prior to its birth. This is also supposed to be met with glee. So, what you’re telling me is that our friendship is over because you are going to be busy carting around a diaper bag in some minivan through the New Jersey suburbs and will have nothing of interest to say to anyone for the rest of your life. Pardon me if I don’t do a cheer. Now we have to find another couple we can befriend.

And then, if I happen to be supremely unfortunate (and/or blood related) to the Best Parents Ever, I will be generously offered the option to babysit and maybe even to be a godparent. Why the hell would I want to buy your kid Christmas presents for all eternity when I no longer even like the two of you, with your endless dithering?

Truth be told, I think we both know that we’ll see each other maybe 5 more times in this life - the baby shower, the christening, and then a couple of forced coffee dates, right? So why bother with this pretense of bestowing some big honor on me? I mean, wouldn’t the Best Parent Ever want to be their own kid’s parent AND godparent? How’s that for one-upping all the other parents?

So really, thanks, congratulations, looking forward to receiving the demand for a baby Bjorn - I mean a shower invitation - best of luck.

To submit a BPE Guest Post, email bestparent@bestparentever.com.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!

submitted by Stephanie

Children are content to amuse themselves with the sound a plastic cup makes when being pounded against the table, but the Best Parent Ever knows that only the most culturally unsophisticated children fail to participate in infant music classes. Though the average baby cannot possibly differentiate between spending a day on a primary-colored play mat surrounded by an array of musical instruments and spending the day on your own slightly stained carpet with a plastic measuring cup and an old plastic mixing spoon, the Best Parent Ever does not strive to raise the average baby. The Best Parent Ever knows that an exceptional child requires exceptional tools, programs and services designed to foster that all important sense of worth and self-esteem – in the Best Parent Ever.

While your child will be off spending her or his school years staring gape-jawed at mathematics tests and attempting to string together a poor excuse for a garage rock band, the Best Parent Ever’s child will be acing every math and science exam thanks to the hypothetical academic benefits of music instruction and will be a mere few years away from first chair in the orchestra. When musically gifted Jenny outsmarts musically neglected Johnny in a dark alley in another twenty years, the Best Parent Ever can rest assured that the hundred dollars spent on allowing their infant to haphazardly gum a miniature cymbal at six months old was money well spent.

So take that, timeworn kitchen-based implements of amusement! You may have entertained the Best Parent Ever when he or she was a child, but your shelf life has expired. After all, if it doesn’t cost money, how can it possibly jettison the child to the top of the infant playgroup?

To submit a BPE Guest Post, email bestparent@bestparentever.com.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!