A New Weekly Column by Ronin
In the 1950’s, the Best Parent Ever was introduced to a whole new way they could love their child better than you. Scientist John Bowlby introduced a study, based on maternal deprivation and animal research, and unleashed on the world the “Attachment Theory”. This was the root of a new parenting movement called Attachment Parenting.
The Best Parent Ever knows what is truly at the very heart of this theory: crying. Crying is easily the most horrifying experience of the Best Baby Ever’s young life.
In order to keep this awful affliction from rearing it’s ugly head, the Best Parent Ever must follow the 7 Bs of Attachment Parenting:
1) Bond with your baby by never focusing on anything else but the miracle of motherhood.
2) Breastfeed your baby or it will grow up to have the IQ of Paris Hilton.
3) Babywearing is not optional. Never, repeat, NEVER put your baby down. The minute you do it will think you’ve abandoned it, thereby breaking the bond you worked so hard on; it is that fragile.
4) Bedtime is no time to stop your constant caretaking. Make sure that baby knows you live to serve. Yes, even at 3:45 a.m. Yes, even for the 17th time that night.
5) Belief in the horror that is your baby’s cry. Every squeak is a message from your infant overlord. You must know what it means and satisfy whatever area it deems deficient immediately or suffer the consequences.
6) Beware of other parenting methods. Other parents will try to tell you that different things worked for their children. They are obviously formula fed idiots. Stay strong.
7) Balance your baby’s every need with your needs and also: your husband’s needs, your other childrens’ needs, your neighbor’s needs, your barber’s needs, your aunt’s brother-in-law’s roommate’s cousin’s science professor… No sweat, you’re the Best Parent Ever!
For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!
Applause Ronin!
This of course does not stop in infancy. You can never, ever, let your child be upset for any reason. If they open their brother’s scalp with a can opener you must be firm, gentle, and kind, and never, ever yell. You must never damage their self esteem. They must be ever wrapped in cotton, lest they fail to reach their full potential as egotistical, narcisissitic little monsters.
Oh wait, I forgot. Close captioning for the humor impaired:
This is over the top satire. Attachment parenting is not inherently evil. The point is that parents who act as if anything else is child abuse are obnoxious. Repeat: this is satire. Put down your pitchforks and do not be alarmed.
I think you have number 7 wrong. Your needs no longer matter. The needs of the baby are paramount and therefore you should be sure you are tending to them. It does not matter if you are sleep deprived as long as the baby is not crying and you are sure you are there for it.
Great post Ronin!!!
Geeks, you deserve a thumbs up too….I actually laughed out loud…lol!
/standing ovation
Well done, friend!