submitted by Ghost Dog
10. Children are Durable. And Common.
First World Children, even First World Babies are like weeds (and face it, if you are reading this blog, you are, in all likelihood a First World Parent). Children grow. And grow and grow and grow. Unless stomped on or completely not fed or watered they are almost impossible to kill. They’re kids, and while I am sure that you love yours like no parent has ever loved a child, every last one of them is cheap as dirt. Even BPE kids. Even yours. Get over it.
9. Feed Them.
OK, this is a tad obvious and does cross over into several other parenting philosophies. When they are babies, feed them breast milk if ya got it, or whatever’s locked in the theft proof cabinet at the WalMart checkout desk if you don’t. When they are old enough to play with their food, Cheerios are awesome. Just don’t put them in little Ziploc baggies and carry them in a fanny pack to the playground. Even if your child can’t talk yet, they will be embarrassed on your behalf.
8. As a Matter of Fact, I Am the Boss of You.
This is a tough one for single parents, who often have to spend long periods of time with just their kid as their only companion. It’s tough, but you are the parent, not the best friend. You only have to say “No” in the candy aisle about 20 times before they get it. You, as the parent, have the right to tell them they can’t be little shitheads in the restaurant, they don’t get to push the handicapped door opening button and yes, they DO have to keep moving when they get to the top of the escalator. Give in once, they win. Hold your ground, you get a child who doesn’t offend anyone. And non-offensive children get invited to the best parties.
7. Children Are, In Essence, Savages.
Didn’t you read Lord of the Flies? Civilization is a learned trait, and often hard learned at that. Go back and read the liner notes on your old Devo records. If we are not constantly pushing for civilized behaviour we are sliding into devolution and soon, oblivion. Just look at the Kennedy children. Or Drew Barrymore. But you can’t civilize your children on your own. You need help.
6. When They Are Two-And-A-Half Get Them The Heck Out of the House.
Preschool at your local public school is fine, playgroup, whatever. Just take them somewhere where an adult who isn’t you (or “Nana”) is looking after them and a bunch of other kids. Early childhood education professionals will tell you it’s important, at an early age, to bring children into group situations. It’s about “socialization, communication skills and playing to learn.” Well, they’re right. In GEP Lingo: “Learn to stand in line, get in the circle, say please, this is a ball. You are a wonderful child, but you are SO not the center of the universe.”
There are fringe benefits too. Toddlers in preschool and playgroups get lots of non-life threatening viruses, thereby building their immune system at an early age. By the time they get to kindergarten? Invincible! They also internalize a huge life lesson, that will serve them well in later years: When Mommy goes away, she comes back, every time. Magic! Imagine having a 3 year old that just says “Bye Mummy” and toddles off. And off you go - spa, bar, nap, what have you.
5. Live An Uncensored Life.
Let them hear it all, see it all at a very early age. OK, I do not mean porn – the Paris Hilton sex video has been shown to cause permanent psychological damage in adults, let alone little kids. But a little cussin’ doesn’t hurt, and saying what you really think about George W. is probably a good idea. There is no point in sugar coating your opinion of that 22 year old twit named “Jessica” pretending to be your kid’s first grade teacher. Children have amazing bullshit detectors, and if you don’t acknowledge what junior already knows – that Jessica is a twit – junior will think you’re an idiot.
4. Poo Jokes Are Always Funny. Always.
Right up to about age 12 for girls, forever for boys (if you don’t believe me, ask your husband). And if your kid wants you to admire that giant turd they just laid, have a look and high five him. It will mean more than that stupid gold star he got from that twit Jessica.
3. There is No Such Thing as “Good” Children’s Music.
If you go to the trouble to pump Mozart through your womb for your unborn child, then why would you then subject your toddler to the existential pit of hell that is Raffi? Burn it all. Banish children’s music from this earth. Do you think Mud Hut Super Moms play “children’s music?” Play real music for your children, they will grow up considering that to be normal. Throw on some Bob Marley, ZZ Top or Iggy Pop and have a good time. Play your tunes, watch your kids. They will show you what they like.
2. Laugh.
Laugh at the nose bubbles, laugh at the poo jokes, laugh at whatever you want. Children have an unlimited capacity for it.
1. Love ‘Em Good.
Love ‘em good, protect ‘em always, and always be on their side. You are their rock. Your child will love you forever for that day when you marched into the principal’s office, grabbed your allegedly miscreant child by the hand and told the principal he was a douchebag. Then went for ice cream.
Follow these 10 simple rules and you have a pretty good chance of becoming the cool mom who is invited to your daughter’s college dorm room for beer & pot parties with hot college boys. Of course having pot helps. And bring your Devo records, they’re retro now!
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