Archive for November, 2008

Best Adoptive Parent Ever

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008


submitted by GeekMom

I have two great boys, adopted as infants from Guatemala. (Don’t tell anyone – my uterus is broke, and I should be horribly traumatized by this.) (Except that I’m ok with it.)

Before I knew better, I spent a lot of time seeking out other adoptive moms, and going on adoption related websites and such. Based on the extensive research, I now know how to be a perfect adoptive parent. Let me draw you a picture of the Best Adoptive Parent Ever:

They have read every single book about all the possible things their child could be feeling about adoption every second of their lives so they can have THE RIGHT ANSWER.

It is not enough to have a scrapbook for your child. You have to have a Lifebook, where you meticulously document every second of the child’s life from the time they come to you. Because all biological children obviously have perfectly filled out baby books, and your kids will miss out.

You are required to freak out if your child’s teacher discusses family trees. No, they can’t just use your family – they will be traumatized because your family is not their birthfamily. Except of course, adoption is forever, so they are part of your family. But not on certain school assignments, apparently.

If your child is not discussing adoption every hour of every day, you are either repressing them, or they are so traumatized that they can’t even discuss it. Adoptive children are not allowed to be well adjusted and ok with the adoption thing.

If you have not put your adoptive child in an immersive school to learn their birth culture and/or gotten a non-english speaking nanny from that culture, they will grow up to hate you.

If you do not have an open adoption, you are a horrible person, abusive to the birth mother. Unless you have an open adoption, in which case you are confusing your child and preventing them from bonding. Take your pick.

You are a horribly selfish terrible person for adopting in the first place, because it is a terrible thing to rip a child from the arms of their birthmother. Even if the birthmother sought you out for the adoption - it is just wrong to adopt. Period. (Yes, you get this on adoption boards.) (No, I don’t get it either.)

Your child must belong to a support group, as soon as their eyes open, or they will be traumatized for life.

If you didn’t induce lactation for your adopted infant, you are obviously an evil lazy mommy, and how did you ever get past the social workers.

Adoption is VERY SERIOUS. If you joke even once about selling your kids on Ebay they will be SCARRED FOR LIFE! You are not allowed to have a sense of humor about adoption.

Any problem an adopted kid has is automatically a consequence of their having been adopted. Are they being a pain in the ass about getting their shoes on? It’s because they’re adopted. Bleeding head wound? That’s from being ripped out of the arms of their birthmom.

Birthmoms are perfect saints, who are unfairly maligned, and deserve to be endlessly pitied. Unless they are irresponsible child abusers, who should be sterilized. Take your pick. If you want to become the perfect mom, in some circles, place your child for adoption. You will instantly be canonized.

If you adopt a child of another race, you should be taken out back and summarily shot. Or canonized, because everyone knows only white babies get adopted in this country, while babies of color languish for years in foster care. Take your pick.

No matter what you do, you will never be able to make up for the horrible trauma of having been adopted. Give up now.

I think my older son has a handle on it. At a recent family wedding, he was having a great time dancing with one of his cousins. They made quite the couple. At one point my son called out “I think I want to marry her. It’s ok - I’m adopted!” That’s my boy…



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Fetal Index Cards

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

Submitted by Abby, just Abby

So, you think that you’re going above and beyond by putting headphones onto your pregnant belly and playing Beethoven’s Ode to Joy? Forget about it. The BPE knows that is sadly ineffectual. Playing music to your fetus is not going to get them that pre-school scholly. Not even close. Maybe in 1992.

This is why the BPE uses a series of index cards, sorted by age (fetal age) appropriateness. Said index cards are held by daddy (or life partner) in front of mommy’s tummy (after the daily sonogram locates the best position), and backlit from behind so baby can see through the uterus. Cards are conveniently sorted by trimester, lest we accost fetus with too much information at such a tender age.

First Trimester: Simple things. A blue triangle. A cow, perhaps. Of course, this is the time to introduce the alphabet and numbers 1 - 100. Since baby’s eyes have yet to develop eyelids, this is actually a crucial time to impart information. Smart BPE’s hold these cards up to their uterus during ovulation. Waiting for a positive pregnancy test is just wasting valuable time.

Second Trimester: Remember those ABCs? Now we’re going to learn how they come together to form words! If your fetus can’t speak at least three languages by the time you start your third trimester? Well, it really doesn’t matter how much money you spent on the designer crib, then, does it?

Third Trimester: Your baby should ideally be taking notes at this point. BPEs catch a lot of flack for wanting to keep their placenta, and they nearly always use the guise that they want to bury it in the ground and let it fertilize plant matter in memoriam of the birth of their baby. This is a ruse. If you take a placenta and dry it in the sun for several days, you can put a paper on it and make a rubbing of your baby’s first note to you. This will tell you whether your efforts to educate baby in utero have met with success. Ideally, you will get a message beginning something like: RE: Harvard admission letter – need names of current deans. Ask mom for complete works of Shakespeare on tape for nursery, as have not yet memorized all the tragedies (comedies were a bit pedantic, but easily committed to memory). Marxism seems to have been dismissed unfairly before it was given a chance to flourish.

If your placenta dries, and looks like it has only chicken scratches? Well, that’s what state colleges are for. Oh, and you can always use it to fertilize a tree with which to mark your failure.

Because nothing makes a BPE prouder than the first time his infant says, “Lupe! Those bushes aren’t going to trim themselves!” and then says it again, in Latin. If your baby can’t spit out a simple sentence like this within 4 days of birth (5 days if you had a c-section), CALL YOUR PEDIATRICIAN. They may have therapies or medications you can try.


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