Submitted by Lady In Red
The creme de la creme of professional parenting, the Best Parents Ever, eschew hospital birth in favour of going it alone at home. Homebirth is the latest craze amongst the BPE’s, fueled in part by the rantings of such luminaries as Ricki Lake and Henci Goer who assert that “birth is as safe as life gets”. Sssh, don’t tell Third World women that….they keep dropping like flies during childbirth. Guess they must be doing it wrong.
The Best Parent Ever distrusts the medical establishment, preferring to educate themselves on Wikipedia and PubMed, rather than take the advice of a flesh and blood medical expert. Also known as Baby Snatchers, these white coated villains insist on following protocol and have the order of importance during birth irrevocably mixed up. These MDeities actually feel that the safety of the child being born is more important than Mama having a cool story to tell on the internet. Such ignorance!! Which is why The Best Parent Ever distrusts anyone who actually graduated from medical school. Instead, they hire midwives to attend the event. It is immaterial if the midwife has the medical skill of an orangutan, so long as she supports you finding empowerment and personal fulfillment by birthing your child in the bathtub.Or the toilet. Or the wading pool set up in the living room in front of the webcam.
Ah yes, the webcam! For there being so many women claiming privacy as a reason to birth at home, there are vast numbers of home birth videos to be found on the internet. Supposedly, webcasting your goo covered naughty bits for the viewing delight of millions is more private than a hospital bed behind a curtain.
Another perk to homebirth is that you can dispose of the placenta yourself, without anyone gasping in horror when you announce your intentions of ingesting it. Or planting it in the rose garden. Or storing it in your deep freeze as a keepsake worthy of Jeffery Dahmer.
If all goes well, baby is ushered into the world and is greeted by his adoring parents, smug in their triumph over nature. If things don’t happen to go so well, baby is likely to be met with the screech of the ambulance coming to the rescue. While the Best Parent Ever distrusts the medical establishment to do their jobs, that doesn’t mean the Best Parent Ever will hesitate to sue if the Dr’s aren’t there to haul mama and babe out of the jaws of death. Those devilish OB’s, so ready to ruin the birth experience,had better come STAT when the BPE is in a self made mess!!! There is no one so sue-happy, so vitriolic as the Best Parent Ever who has been thwarted in their path to empowerment!
So take that ignorant, hospital birthing sheeple!!! The Best Parent Ever has you beat when it comes to birthing babies. Just be sure to duck and run when you see that ambulance speeding towards Labour & Delivery!
Tags: best parent ever, culture, family, parenting
That may be one of your best entries yet! I have met soooo many self-righteous homebirthers who sound just like that!
Wow. Just wow.
I don’t think I’m a BPE for homebirthing…but certainly a more educated parent than this ‘guest author’. If you were going for an article with shock value you achieved your goal.
The essays on this site are usually humorous & entertaining, regardless of whether I agree.
This one, though, is over the top offensive.
I LOVE it! Too true! My favorite line, “While the Best Parent Ever distrusts the medical establishment to do their jobs, that doesn’t mean the Best Parent Ever will hesitate to sue if the Dr’s aren’t there to haul mama and babe out of the jaws of death.”
Why is it that doctors are teh Evil until you need them to rescue your ass?
“This one, though, is over the top offensive.”
So, it’s only funny until it hits too close to home? I see nothing “over the top offensive” about this at all. It’s called humor. Not saying you are, but you can’t tell me there aren’t tons of self-righteous, condescending home-birthers out there asserting that their way is the best way, the “natural” way. Hilarious entry, Lady in Red!
“webcasting your goo covered naughty bits for the viewing delight of millions”
woooohoo. you nailed it. There is nothing offensive about this post. It is funny and exposes the GIANT egos of the BPEs. Where I live, home birth is state funded and an army of midwives practice their profession. It is safe, viable and yes, slightly less medicalized. What it isn’t is an opportunity to practice the latest mud hut super mom bullshit you learned off the Internet in your ridiculous vain attempt at “authenticity,” or as Stephen Colbert might call it “authenticitiness.”
We tried 3 times for a home birth and yes, there was a certain element of BPEness to it. Twice we were transported to hospital, following Province of Ontario medical protocols that midwives quite willingly adhere to. Third time lucky, and by the time our baby was two hours old, his mom was on the couch, drinking a (medically recommended for milk coming in) beer and watching the X-Files. I like being able to point to the house and tell my son, “you were born there.” But sorry, no film at eleven dudes.
Oh I haz a love for the author…
<3 <3 SHEEPLE! Love it, LIR… Love it.
LMFAO @ Baby Snatchers. It’s all a scheme to get more money for the medical-industrial complex, don’t you know?
WAAAAAHHHH, HB. If you took offense to the anything in the blog you’re either trying to hard or you fit the bill. Take your pick or chill the fuck out.
I love this LOL… Not that I’m the biggest fan of the baby snatchers…but damned if I don’t want them and their happy drugs handy when things get a lil too painful. (I haz a sheeple…sue me…lol)
Hooray for the guest post! This is not offensive in the least and I’m glad it points out the minset of the typical BPE who shuns the medical establishment until they need it.
I don’t really care how anyone gives birth. What DOES bother me is people who are buttinskis about the matter and tell me that my choice is wrong. And I hear that whole “if you’d educate yourself more” argument from BPE’s a lot. It’s not about education or research on the holy Dr. Sears site (or kelly mom or whatever). It’s about making the best choice for YOUR family and YOUR situation.
I’m an exceptionally educated parent and as a first time, scared, older mom; I had a hospital, OB, heavily medicated birth that ended up with a C/S. OMG I even had monitors on, and an IV! Horror of horrors! But my son came out healthy and he’s my wonderful boy. Leave me alone about how he got here and take your Moby wrap and organic baby food somewhere else.
I forgot how much I love this site. I’m home.
I’m currently giving you a standing ovation Lady In Red….this was a GREAT article!
To whomever takes offense, I think CMB said it best, this MUST hit close to home for ya….it’s all fun and games until you take it personal huh? *Sigh*
Anyhoo, I’m all for however you wanna have your baby, my method was hospital and drugs pretty please, but I can understand that not everyone feels comfy with that choice, and I don’t think there is a wrong choice, you do what you gotta do to get through it, that’s it, that’s all.
I was disappointed in this post. I am a fan of the BPE concept and have found BPE amusing whether I was in agreement with the practice that was being poked fun at or not. This post, however, went over the top in vitriol towards those who practice home-birth. It read like a frustrated rant rather than a well-thought out post.
There are plenty of things to poke fun at among home-birth fads (including the practice of having other children present at the birth of their younger sibling, the prevalence of “birth stories” for home-birthed babies, and the idea of home-birth as a “spiritual” experience.) But
this post goes above and beyond making fun of home-birth practices to claiming that those who practice home-birth are doctor-hating, sue-happy exhibitionists.
Please, let’s avoid ad hominem attacks on people. Instead, keep to what BPE does best: help us to laugh at the often-silly parenting practices all parents are susceptible to in their quest to be better parents.
I fancied a homebirth…my husband wasn’t so keen. Thank goodness I didn’t because I had a massive hemorrage when my placenta wouldn’t come out. I believe in birth choice but homebirthers and those who do it all naturally just give me the s***s and are so self-righteous. I had an epidural but believe me…in the end stages of labor I felth the pain, baby!
So wait, it’s ok to poke fun at people who crow about their $10,000 nurseries, but not at the people who feel the need to broadcast the fact that they had a homebirth with blinky signatures and neon signs? In the end, does it really matter how the kid got here? I mean, can you point to some famous successful person (pick any Nobel prize winner for example) and say “AH HA! The only reason that person is brilliant is because they had a home birth!”
Crazy, yes? But some of the home birthing crowd go on and on and ON about it as if that was the case. Glad you enjoyed your home birth. But I’m pretty sure your kid didn’t come out walking on water, so just give it a rest already.
And I’m sorry, but if you have a picture of yourself giving birth on the internet, then, yeah, you come across as an exhibitionist.
Well said GeekMom!! I personally don’t remember how I entered this world, and by just looking at ppl you’d never know how they did either. So for example, just like having an epi is a personal choice so is having a home birth, my baby will never know she caused me less pain, and yours will never know you had a home birth….oh wait….that is unless you post it on the web for all the world to see.
It doesn’t matter how the kid got here, (as long as you are doing what you wanna do, and that it’s safe for mom and baby) and those who think it does should really worry about more important things.
So that’s where you’ve gone off to, LiR!
Love it (and love BPE)…
[...] Posted on February 2, 2009 by estherar That’s what happened when I read LadyinRed’s rant about homebirth over at [...]
Reformed: I’m all in favour of people not being buttinskis about a matter as personal as where you choose to give birth, but you’re talking as though that behaviour was somehow restricted to homebirthers. From what I’ve seen, there’s no shortage of people out there willing to hassle women who choose homebirth about their choice. Like this post, for example. Sure, there are lunatics who are homebirthers, same as there are lunatics in just about any category you could mention. But is it really fair to talk as though that were a typical homebirther? Certainly doesn’t represent the homebirthers I’ve encountered.
Yes, I do think it’s offensive to claim that homebirthers aren’t interested in the safety of their children. Of course they are. They just disagree with the claim that homebirth is automatically unsafe. And, while I haven’t made any detailed examination of the available research, I can’t help noticing that the people citing any actual evidence - as in studies from decent journals - on the issue are almost invariably the pro-homebirthers, coming up with studies to back up their claim that homebirth is as safe for low-risk women. The arguments from the pro-hospital birth side, on the other hand, usually seem to consist of the Scary Isolated Anecdote variety. There may well, for all I know, be better evidence against homebirth than the anti-homebirth crowd come up with; but the pro-homebirth side does at least seem to have more evidence base to it than the wishful thinking of a few cranks, and I find it pretty darned objectionable to see people assume that just because the homebirthers disagree with them that must mean they’re reckless idiots out to disregard the safety of their children.
And, BTW, I didn’t even have a homebirth with either of my children, or want one. I’m just sick of seeing the people who did stereotyped in this way.
And, Spell Girl - I had both my babies ‘naturally’ (silly way to describe it, I always feel, but that’s not your fault), and I don’t give a toss how anyone else chooses to do it as long as they give it some thought, are happy that they chose whatever was right for them, and don’t do anything totally stupid in terms of risk. So please don’t stereotype all natural birthers the way you just did.
OMG this was hysterical — and absolutely spot-on! Well done. Offensive? ROFLMAO.
Sarah,
I don’t know that you can compare the British homebirthers you know to the type of American homebirther described here. In the US, just about any earthy-birthy mama can put out a shingle and call herself a ‘direct-entry midwife’ after a minimal period of ’study’ (including courses in such subjects as aromatherapy and homeopathy) and an apprenticeship which includes veiwing and participating in far, far fewer births than a CNM or an OB would be required to during their training. The equivalent seems to be like those British ‘independent midwives’ who shun the medical model, dismiss the idea of risk stratification as a useless medical invention and exhort their patients to ‘trust birth’. They are often not equipped or trained to deal with emergencies, and dump their patients at the hospital doors when something goes wrong. And birth being what it is, things can go horribly wrong, horribly fast. When you’ve come close to being one of those anecdotes (as I was, and luckily I wasn’t at home), you appreciate modern medicine all the more. “Cascade of interventions” and all (feh. Stupid term.).
I used to think the literature supported the safety of homebirth as well, especially the 2005 Johnson & Daviss study in the BMJ; but Dr. Amy makes a convincing case that the authors are not neutral actors, and that they (deliberately?) used a comparison group which would make the homebirthing group look more attractive.
So yes, that kind of homebirther (and GeekMom drew a wickedly accurate potrait of the type I’m talking about) deserves a dose of her own medicine…
I had a homebirth attended by two CNM’s after 9 months of first class prenatal care. Not all homebirthers are whacko’s who have a homebirth just so they can show off about it. I’m not sure what makes British women so much more special; are you saying they are not prey to the woo of homeopathy and aromatherapy? ‘Cuz, erhm, does’t the NHS actually fund some homeopathy? (http://www.uclh.nhs.uk/Our+hospitals/Royal+London+Homoeopathic+Hospital.htm)
So how, exactly, is it that you believe women gave birth previous to the advent of the all-knowing OB/GYN? Because I was under the impression that babies have been being successfully born for a few thousand years or so, and only recently have we, western civilisation, decided that this should occur any way except at home, with such uneducated saps as midwives (incidentally, here in NY, midwives receive only 1 year less training than MDs, and it is exclusive to the care of girly parts, prenatal and delivery, bypassing a host of irrelevant education typical OBs study and devoting their focus only to their future vocation). And yeah, I’ll concede that women used to die during childbirth. But, and only because you opened the point for discussion do I even find it relevant, I don’t know if anybody’s told you; women still die during childbirth . They die during emergency C-sections meant to save them, and they die hemmoraging on stretchers while their trusted physician fails to save them. Babies die in hospitals every day, and that’s not all. Epidurals are botched, leaving new mothers paralysed, unable to hold and comfort their babies, and a woman in FL went into the OR fora C-section and emerged a quadruple amputee.
I don’t question other peoples’ lifestyle choices, but Ido wonder about your apparently unwavering faith in medical professionals to never make mistakes and to be a more intelligent choice than an experienced midwife or a true knowledge of one’s own body. My decision to give birth at a birthing center was based on my hatred of hospitals and the fact that the MD with delivery privileges was callous, rude, and an idiot. My daughter was born healthy after two hours of unmedicated labor, the celebrated brevity of which I attribute to my being permitted to act as I wished (read: run away to the bathroomto hide each time a contraction hit until it was time to push, which process also found me the master of my own destiny), undoubtably not the case in a hopital. The blessedly minimal intervention of the midwife herself provided an intensely bonding experience for the father and me, and left us with confidence in our capacity to have our next child in the relaxed comfort of our home, with a midwife on standby - an event which will NOT be broadcast on the internet.
Incidentally, my daughter’s only experience at a hospital was horrible and ridiculous, and if I can possibly avoid it I’ll never take her there again. Her first fever, ona Sunday… The LEASToutrageous thing they did was to try, unsuccessfully, for 10 minutes to catharize my 7 month old, because a bad cough so frequently indicates a UTI … She wailed at every diaper change for a week because doctors always make everything OK, right? The only thing they did to help was give her friggen Tylenol (in a suppository, which will was also traumatic, and, given a modicum of patience, unnecessary), which Icould, and should, have done at home myself. They did not give a diagnosis.
It’s pretty naive to blindly trust the medical community just cause society tells you to. And yet, here you are, making fun of choices made by women who are often much more informed, self confident, and well-researched than you… That may not be ironic, but it is kinda funny.
This post is bizarre. How exactly is home birthing less safe than birthing in a hospital for the majority of women? In general, I’m against ranting like this because there’s too much ego involved and the ranter is inclined to say things that are untrue if it will garner them a laugh. Seems to be the case here.
“So how, exactly, is it that you believe women gave birth previous to the advent of the all-knowing OB/GYN?”
They had the absolute best care available to them, and they died a lot more anyway.
OBGYNS keep you and your baby from dying. That’s their JOB. That’s always been the job of the people who deliver babies, until the modern time when midwives became about a good experience. Yes, people still die. MORE people die at home, even today, according to every available statistic. And WAY more people died at home before there were ambulances. Does that mean everyone dies? No. You’re lucky and would have been able to give birth in the Middle Ages, too. But many women wouldn’t have.
“Low risk” is a stupid term, because there’s no magic crystal ball to determine low risk. You can know a person is high risk, but you can’t know their placenta won’t detach oddly and they won’t start hemorrhaging, and you can’t know their baby won’t suddenly have a weak hearttone. Homebirthing is only ever safe in retrospect, once you know how things went down.
Homebirthing is saying you’re okay with the same odds that your ancestors had. Which is fine. Just most of us want even lower odds, considering that most of us don’t want a dead child on our hands.
Homebirthers aren’t BPE. Homebirthers are not in the same category as women who buy $10,000 nurseries; they are in the same category as people who beat the demons out of their children.
I took offense and I have not and would never homebirth.
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