submitted by GeekMom

I have two great boys, adopted as infants from Guatemala. (Don’t tell anyone – my uterus is broke, and I should be horribly traumatized by this.) (Except that I’m ok with it.)

Before I knew better, I spent a lot of time seeking out other adoptive moms, and going on adoption related websites and such. Based on the extensive research, I now know how to be a perfect adoptive parent. Let me draw you a picture of the Best Adoptive Parent Ever:

They have read every single book about all the possible things their child could be feeling about adoption every second of their lives so they can have THE RIGHT ANSWER.

It is not enough to have a scrapbook for your child. You have to have a Lifebook, where you meticulously document every second of the child’s life from the time they come to you. Because all biological children obviously have perfectly filled out baby books, and your kids will miss out.

You are required to freak out if your child’s teacher discusses family trees. No, they can’t just use your family – they will be traumatized because your family is not their birthfamily. Except of course, adoption is forever, so they are part of your family. But not on certain school assignments, apparently.

If your child is not discussing adoption every hour of every day, you are either repressing them, or they are so traumatized that they can’t even discuss it. Adoptive children are not allowed to be well adjusted and ok with the adoption thing.

If you have not put your adoptive child in an immersive school to learn their birth culture and/or gotten a non-english speaking nanny from that culture, they will grow up to hate you.

If you do not have an open adoption, you are a horrible person, abusive to the birth mother. Unless you have an open adoption, in which case you are confusing your child and preventing them from bonding. Take your pick.

You are a horribly selfish terrible person for adopting in the first place, because it is a terrible thing to rip a child from the arms of their birthmother. Even if the birthmother sought you out for the adoption - it is just wrong to adopt. Period. (Yes, you get this on adoption boards.) (No, I don’t get it either.)

Your child must belong to a support group, as soon as their eyes open, or they will be traumatized for life.

If you didn’t induce lactation for your adopted infant, you are obviously an evil lazy mommy, and how did you ever get past the social workers.

Adoption is VERY SERIOUS. If you joke even once about selling your kids on Ebay they will be SCARRED FOR LIFE! You are not allowed to have a sense of humor about adoption.

Any problem an adopted kid has is automatically a consequence of their having been adopted. Are they being a pain in the ass about getting their shoes on? It’s because they’re adopted. Bleeding head wound? That’s from being ripped out of the arms of their birthmom.

Birthmoms are perfect saints, who are unfairly maligned, and deserve to be endlessly pitied. Unless they are irresponsible child abusers, who should be sterilized. Take your pick. If you want to become the perfect mom, in some circles, place your child for adoption. You will instantly be canonized.

If you adopt a child of another race, you should be taken out back and summarily shot. Or canonized, because everyone knows only white babies get adopted in this country, while babies of color languish for years in foster care. Take your pick.

No matter what you do, you will never be able to make up for the horrible trauma of having been adopted. Give up now.

I think my older son has a handle on it. At a recent family wedding, he was having a great time dancing with one of his cousins. They made quite the couple. At one point my son called out “I think I want to marry her. It’s ok - I’m adopted!” That’s my boy…