Submitted by nomorewirehangers
Congratulations! You’ve moved your relationship with your significant other up to the next level of commitment and are ready to embark on a lifetime of togetherness. But, wait. Before you start humming “Just the Two of Us” too quickly (or too loudly because that’s annoying) you’ve forgotten something. Or should I say… someone.
That’s right! The love of your life had a life prior to you. And in that life they had them some children. Fret not. Only every decision you make for the rest of your life will be centered on how it will affect them. It’s not a big deal.
No, seriously. Do. Not. Panic.
Besides, hopefully you’ve at least met them at this point. The key is… what now? Whether or not you have custody you can bet your best parental shorts you are in for a wild ride. And Mr. Toad doesn’t have crap on these children.
Here are a few simple tips and reminders to make this transition easier on you. Because face it, the rest of it is all about the kids.
Tip #1: Getting to Know You. Getting to Know All About You
Guess what? Even if you’ve met the kids before, you still don’t know each other that well. Despite your best efforts to ask “all the right questions,” this could take…. years.
No matter what the age of the child, you’ve still got a lot of catching up to do. You’re probably saying, “Hey, you can’t force communication, and besides, awkward silence hasn’t ever actually killed anyone, has it?” Sorry… doesn’t work that way. And no matter what your insecurities are, you have to think of that little person over there who seems entranced by their Nintendo DS…yeah that one. They are a bug. How? They are more scared of you than you are of them… and more likely than not, you are bigger than them.
Besides, sorry for your bad luck, but you are the grown up here. The burden of effort lies within you. They aren’t going to try if you don’t! So get off your step-parent online help forums, suck it up, and get prepared to bond at the newest Hannah Montana movie.
Tip #2: Can’t Buy Me Love
You know how you always bring your boss his favorite Starbucks beverage? And even gave him that golfing package to Augusta National that you won? Yet still that asshole doesn’t know your correct name and you still haven’t received that promotion after five years? Know why? He thinks you’re a chump. No one likes a kiss ass. There is such a thing as overkill. And, no, children are not any different.
So you brought your new step-daughter to see that above mentioned Hannah Montana nightmare right? GOOD FOR YOU!!! But you didn’t stop there did you? No… you also bought her a new Dooney & Burke bag, another Webkinz, ate at McNasty’s for lunch, Chuck E. Cheese for dinner, and let her have a root beer float for breakfast “just because…”
She loved you and wanted to be BFFs, right? Until bedtime that is. Now you’re an asshole and completely confused as to why she hates your guts so much just for reminding her it was a school night and time to go to bed? Chump. You have just made the numero uno step-parenting mistake. It’s known as, “I want them to like me therefore I must be cool…”
No worries. It’s common. It happens to all of us. It’s a great learning experience too. You can only repair this by one means. Don’t ever do it again!
Tip #3: “Respect My Authority!”
You’re assuming, depending on the age of the child of course, that you automatically get the same respect that they give your spouse or in laws simply because you’re an adult and they owe you that…right?
They owe you nothing, and before you are introduced fully into their lives you and the spouse need to work out a few basic things!
For example: What are the “house rules?” What roll, if any, will you play in disciplining the children? How will the children’s presence affect your personal schedule, what is expected of you? What are you allowed to expect from your step kids?
You cannot do this part along. Your spouse holds the power in how you will be viewed by the children, so it’s best to discuss it early and often, otherwise you will be the wicked step bitch of the west…forever!
Besides, making sure that you and your spouse are on the same page in this aspect is crucial when you come to understand the next tip…
Tip #4: Not Da’ Mama…
And guess what? You’re not.
Custodial or not, you are not and never will be that child’s biological parent. They might like you (God Willing)…They might respect you (Praise Buddha) hell, they might even love you (Thank the heavens) …but they will never love, like, or respect you quite the same (and maybe…eek…as much) as the egg donor.
Ouch.
The truth hurts, and unfortunately acceptance is the only way to deal with this one.
But you have to think about it practically. It’s only fair.
You can love all of your children “equally…” steps included…but guess what, if you and your spouse ever do choose to add to your family, your bio-kiddos are going to hold a much different, much warmer place in your hear than your steps.
This is natural and okay on all sides. Just remember to Love Em’ Good regardless (See the ten steps to Good Enough Parenting) because even if you love them and they love you differently… as long as you’ve built a relationship based on some kind of love and respect, it will all be okay.
Tip #5: The Ex Hates Your Guts
And that’s okay! Let your spouse handle this… trust me. You have to be the mature one here. There is a lot of heart ache and bitterness around that honestly has little or nothing to do with you, but you will bear the brunt of it…usually in the form of “My mom says I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not my real mom…”
It’s hard. Take the high road. You, the spouse, and the ex have to lay down ground rules together at some point. It’s easier said than done, but the most important thing is that you and your spouse are on the same page on how to handle the ex.
And, remember this. Don’t ever bash the ex in front of the kids. Save it for the BPE discussion boards “bitching” room… that is what we are here for.
Honestly. You aren’t alone. And if you remember nothing else from this guide remember this: Take off your gloves, pull down your walls, remove your personal demons and insecurities from the equation and remember this one important thing: Your spouse loves those children more than anything. So that person would never knowingly expose to them to harm, pain, or difficulty.
You will be fine!
The kids will, eventually, accept you. Things will, eventually, get easier. You just need to remember that no parent is perfect. (Even the bio-ones…if you need proof please visit our forum…) And as long as you do everything that is truly best, with the children in mind, you and yours will live Happily Ever After.
For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!
