submitted by og217

Why is it that newly pregnant Best Parents Ever (or those aspiring to the title) feel the need to hyperventialte and act like twittering idiots when announcing their “Big News?”

I mean, the sly glances, the poorly acted out prodding - “You tell them!” “No, you!” “No you!” No, please, shut up the both of you! No one really cares, and everyone guessed ages ago.

You can immediately tell that their news isn’t anything exciting or important by the half-deranged grins they are both sporting, as if no one ever got knocked up before. The expectation is that of course you can never guess what on earth is so exciting. Well, that part is actually true. One of you is going to get fat and frigid while the other is going to get resentful and broke. The height of excitement, yawn. Riiight.

Then they want to tell you their list of Idiot Baby Names - Reese Beyonce if it’s a girl, Keanu Kryptonite if it’s a boy (or the other way around). You’re supposed to coo at this and approve without raising an eyebrow or pointing out that those names sound like names of, well, dickheads.

The (future) Best Parents Ever then relate all the crap they plan to buy, read and enroll their kid in prior to its birth. This is also supposed to be met with glee. So, what you’re telling me is that our friendship is over because you are going to be busy carting around a diaper bag in some minivan through the New Jersey suburbs and will have nothing of interest to say to anyone for the rest of your life. Pardon me if I don’t do a cheer. Now we have to find another couple we can befriend.

And then, if I happen to be supremely unfortunate (and/or blood related) to the Best Parents Ever, I will be generously offered the option to babysit and maybe even to be a godparent. Why the hell would I want to buy your kid Christmas presents for all eternity when I no longer even like the two of you, with your endless dithering?

Truth be told, I think we both know that we’ll see each other maybe 5 more times in this life - the baby shower, the christening, and then a couple of forced coffee dates, right? So why bother with this pretense of bestowing some big honor on me? I mean, wouldn’t the Best Parent Ever want to be their own kid’s parent AND godparent? How’s that for one-upping all the other parents?

So really, thanks, congratulations, looking forward to receiving the demand for a baby Bjorn - I mean a shower invitation - best of luck.

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