Submitted by Lady In Red

The creme de la creme of professional parenting, the Best Parents Ever, eschew hospital birth in favour of going it alone at home. Homebirth is the latest craze amongst the BPE’s, fueled in part by the rantings of such luminaries as Ricki Lake and Henci Goer who assert that “birth is as safe as life gets”. Sssh, don’t tell Third World women that….they keep dropping like flies during childbirth. Guess they must be doing it wrong.

The Best Parent Ever distrusts the medical establishment, preferring to educate themselves on Wikipedia and PubMed, rather than take the advice of a flesh and blood medical expert. Also known as Baby Snatchers, these white coated villains insist on following protocol and have the order of importance during birth irrevocably mixed up. These MDeities actually feel that the safety of the child being born is more important than Mama having a cool story to tell on the internet. Such ignorance!! Which is why The Best Parent Ever distrusts anyone who actually graduated from medical school. Instead, they hire midwives to attend the event. It is immaterial if the midwife has the medical skill of an orangutan, so long as she supports you finding empowerment and personal fulfillment by birthing your child in the bathtub.Or the toilet. Or the wading pool set up in the living room in front of the webcam.

Ah yes, the webcam! For there being so many women claiming privacy as a reason to birth at home, there are vast numbers of home birth  videos  to be found on  the internet. Supposedly, webcasting your goo covered naughty bits for the viewing delight of millions is more private than a hospital bed behind a curtain.

Another perk to homebirth is that you can dispose of the placenta yourself, without anyone gasping in horror when you announce your intentions of ingesting it. Or planting it in the rose garden. Or storing it in your deep freeze as a keepsake worthy of Jeffery Dahmer.

If all goes well, baby is ushered into the world and is greeted by his adoring parents, smug in their triumph over nature. If things don’t happen to go so well, baby is likely to be met with the screech of the ambulance coming to the rescue. While the Best Parent Ever distrusts the medical establishment to do their jobs, that doesn’t mean the Best Parent Ever will hesitate to sue if the Dr’s aren’t there to haul mama and babe out of the jaws of death. Those devilish OB’s, so ready to ruin the birth experience,had better come STAT when the BPE is in a self made mess!!! There is no one so sue-happy, so vitriolic as the Best Parent Ever who has been thwarted in their path to empowerment!

So take that ignorant, hospital birthing sheeple!!! The Best Parent Ever has you beat when it comes to birthing babies. Just be sure to duck and run when you see that ambulance speeding towards Labour & Delivery!