Posts Tagged ‘satire’

The BPE Field Guide to Being the Best Step-Parent Ever

Monday, September 29th, 2008

Submitted by nomorewirehangers

Congratulations! You’ve moved your relationship with your significant other up to the next level of commitment and are ready to embark on a lifetime of togetherness. But, wait. Before you start humming “Just the Two of Us” too quickly (or too loudly because that’s annoying) you’ve forgotten something. Or should I say… someone.

That’s right! The love of your life had a life prior to you. And in that life they had them some children. Fret not. Only every decision you make for the rest of your life will be centered on how it will affect them. It’s not a big deal.

No, seriously. Do. Not. Panic.

Besides, hopefully you’ve at least met them at this point. The key is… what now? Whether or not you have custody you can bet your best parental shorts you are in for a wild ride. And Mr. Toad doesn’t have crap on these children.

Here are a few simple tips and reminders to make this transition easier on you. Because face it, the rest of it is all about the kids.

Tip #1: Getting to Know You. Getting to Know All About You

Guess what? Even if you’ve met the kids before, you still don’t know each other that well. Despite your best efforts to ask “all the right questions,” this could take…. years.

No matter what the age of the child, you’ve still got a lot of catching up to do. You’re probably saying, “Hey, you can’t force communication, and besides, awkward silence hasn’t ever actually killed anyone, has it?” Sorry… doesn’t work that way. And no matter what your insecurities are, you have to think of that little person over there who seems entranced by their Nintendo DS…yeah that one. They are a bug. How? They are more scared of you than you are of them… and more likely than not, you are bigger than them.

Besides, sorry for your bad luck, but you are the grown up here. The burden of effort lies within you. They aren’t going to try if you don’t! So get off your step-parent online help forums, suck it up, and get prepared to bond at the newest Hannah Montana movie.

Tip #2: Can’t Buy Me Love

You know how you always bring your boss his favorite Starbucks beverage? And even gave him that golfing package to Augusta National that you won? Yet still that asshole doesn’t know your correct name and you still haven’t received that promotion after five years? Know why? He thinks you’re a chump. No one likes a kiss ass. There is such a thing as overkill. And, no, children are not any different.

So you brought your new step-daughter to see that above mentioned Hannah Montana nightmare right? GOOD FOR YOU!!! But you didn’t stop there did you? No… you also bought her a new Dooney & Burke bag, another Webkinz, ate at McNasty’s for lunch, Chuck E. Cheese for dinner, and let her have a root beer float for breakfast “just because…”

She loved you and wanted to be BFFs, right? Until bedtime that is. Now you’re an asshole and completely confused as to why she hates your guts so much just for reminding her it was a school night and time to go to bed? Chump. You have just made the numero uno step-parenting mistake. It’s known as, “I want them to like me therefore I must be cool…”

No worries. It’s common. It happens to all of us. It’s a great learning experience too. You can only repair this by one means. Don’t ever do it again!

Tip #3: “Respect My Authority!”

You’re assuming, depending on the age of the child of course, that you automatically get the same respect that they give your spouse or in laws simply because you’re an adult and they owe you that…right?

They owe you nothing, and before you are introduced fully into their lives you and the spouse need to work out a few basic things!

For example: What are the “house rules?” What roll, if any, will you play in disciplining the children? How will the children’s presence affect your personal schedule, what is expected of you? What are you allowed to expect from your step kids?

You cannot do this part along. Your spouse holds the power in how you will be viewed by the children, so it’s best to discuss it early and often, otherwise you will be the wicked step bitch of the west…forever!

Besides, making sure that you and your spouse are on the same page in this aspect is crucial when you come to understand the next tip…

Tip #4: Not Da’ Mama…

And guess what? You’re not.

Custodial or not, you are not and never will be that child’s biological parent. They might like you (God Willing)…They might respect you (Praise Buddha) hell, they might even love you (Thank the heavens) …but they will never love, like, or respect you quite the same (and maybe…eek…as much) as the egg donor.

Ouch.

The truth hurts, and unfortunately acceptance is the only way to deal with this one.

But you have to think about it practically. It’s only fair.

You can love all of your children “equally…” steps included…but guess what, if you and your spouse ever do choose to add to your family, your bio-kiddos are going to hold a much different, much warmer place in your hear than your steps.

This is natural and okay on all sides. Just remember to Love Em’ Good regardless (See the ten steps to Good Enough Parenting) because even if you love them and they love you differently… as long as you’ve built a relationship based on some kind of love and respect, it will all be okay.

Tip #5: The Ex Hates Your Guts

And that’s okay! Let your spouse handle this… trust me. You have to be the mature one here. There is a lot of heart ache and bitterness around that honestly has little or nothing to do with you, but you will bear the brunt of it…usually in the form of “My mom says I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not my real mom…”

It’s hard. Take the high road. You, the spouse, and the ex have to lay down ground rules together at some point. It’s easier said than done, but the most important thing is that you and your spouse are on the same page on how to handle the ex.

And, remember this. Don’t ever bash the ex in front of the kids. Save it for the BPE discussion boards “bitching” room… that is what we are here for.

Honestly. You aren’t alone. And if you remember nothing else from this guide remember this: Take off your gloves, pull down your walls, remove your personal demons and insecurities from the equation and remember this one important thing: Your spouse loves those children more than anything. So that person would never knowingly expose to them to harm, pain, or difficulty.

You will be fine!

The kids will, eventually, accept you. Things will, eventually, get easier. You just need to remember that no parent is perfect. (Even the bio-ones…if you need proof please visit our forum…) And as long as you do everything that is truly best, with the children in mind, you and yours will live Happily Ever After.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!


Your Ad Here

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

THE TOP TEN RULES OF GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING

Friday, August 8th, 2008

submitted by Ghost Dog

10. Children are Durable. And Common.
First World Children, even First World Babies are like weeds (and face it, if you are reading this blog, you are, in all likelihood a First World Parent). Children grow. And grow and grow and grow. Unless stomped on or completely not fed or watered they are almost impossible to kill. They’re kids, and while I am sure that you love yours like no parent has ever loved a child, every last one of them is cheap as dirt. Even BPE kids. Even yours. Get over it.

9. Feed Them.
OK, this is a tad obvious and does cross over into several other parenting philosophies. When they are babies, feed them breast milk if ya got it, or whatever’s locked in the theft proof cabinet at the WalMart checkout desk if you don’t. When they are old enough to play with their food, Cheerios are awesome. Just don’t put them in little Ziploc baggies and carry them in a fanny pack to the playground. Even if your child can’t talk yet, they will be embarrassed on your behalf.

8. As a Matter of Fact, I Am the Boss of You.
This is a tough one for single parents, who often have to spend long periods of time with just their kid as their only companion. It’s tough, but you are the parent, not the best friend. You only have to say “No” in the candy aisle about 20 times before they get it. You, as the parent, have the right to tell them they can’t be little shitheads in the restaurant, they don’t get to push the handicapped door opening button and yes, they DO have to keep moving when they get to the top of the escalator. Give in once, they win. Hold your ground, you get a child who doesn’t offend anyone. And non-offensive children get invited to the best parties.

7. Children Are, In Essence, Savages.
Didn’t you read Lord of the Flies? Civilization is a learned trait, and often hard learned at that. Go back and read the liner notes on your old Devo records. If we are not constantly pushing for civilized behaviour we are sliding into devolution and soon, oblivion. Just look at the Kennedy children. Or Drew Barrymore. But you can’t civilize your children on your own. You need help.

6. When They Are Two-And-A-Half Get Them The Heck Out of the House.
Preschool at your local public school is fine, playgroup, whatever. Just take them somewhere where an adult who isn’t you (or “Nana”) is looking after them and a bunch of other kids. Early childhood education professionals will tell you it’s important, at an early age, to bring children into group situations. It’s about “socialization, communication skills and playing to learn.” Well, they’re right. In GEP Lingo: “Learn to stand in line, get in the circle, say please, this is a ball. You are a wonderful child, but you are SO not the center of the universe.”

There are fringe benefits too. Toddlers in preschool and playgroups get lots of non-life threatening viruses, thereby building their immune system at an early age. By the time they get to kindergarten? Invincible! They also internalize a huge life lesson, that will serve them well in later years: When Mommy goes away, she comes back, every time. Magic! Imagine having a 3 year old that just says “Bye Mummy” and toddles off. And off you go - spa, bar, nap, what have you.

5. Live An Uncensored Life.
Let them hear it all, see it all at a very early age. OK, I do not mean porn – the Paris Hilton sex video has been shown to cause permanent psychological damage in adults, let alone little kids. But a little cussin’ doesn’t hurt, and saying what you really think about George W. is probably a good idea. There is no point in sugar coating your opinion of that 22 year old twit named “Jessica” pretending to be your kid’s first grade teacher. Children have amazing bullshit detectors, and if you don’t acknowledge what junior already knows – that Jessica is a twit – junior will think you’re an idiot.

4. Poo Jokes Are Always Funny. Always.
Right up to about age 12 for girls, forever for boys (if you don’t believe me, ask your husband). And if your kid wants you to admire that giant turd they just laid, have a look and high five him. It will mean more than that stupid gold star he got from that twit Jessica.

3. There is No Such Thing as “Good” Children’s Music.
If you go to the trouble to pump Mozart through your womb for your unborn child, then why would you then subject your toddler to the existential pit of hell that is Raffi? Burn it all. Banish children’s music from this earth. Do you think Mud Hut Super Moms play “children’s music?” Play real music for your children, they will grow up considering that to be normal. Throw on some Bob Marley, ZZ Top or Iggy Pop and have a good time. Play your tunes, watch your kids. They will show you what they like.

2. Laugh.
Laugh at the nose bubbles, laugh at the poo jokes, laugh at whatever you want. Children have an unlimited capacity for it.

1. Love ‘Em Good.
Love ‘em good, protect ‘em always, and always be on their side. You are their rock. Your child will love you forever for that day when you marched into the principal’s office, grabbed your allegedly miscreant child by the hand and told the principal he was a douchebag. Then went for ice cream.

Follow these 10 simple rules and you have a pretty good chance of becoming the cool mom who is invited to your daughter’s college dorm room for beer & pot parties with hot college boys. Of course having pot helps. And bring your Devo records, they’re retro now!

To submit a BPE Guest Post, email bestparent@bestparentever.com.

For more “helpful” parenting tips, join the BPE Discussion Board!


Your Ad Here

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in top ten rules for good enough parenting | 9 Comments »